What is there to say?

On mammograms, election anxiety, and self-compassion

Nov 05, 2024

I had a mammogram this morning.

Before I even pulled into the parking lot, I questioned my previous “wisdom” of scheduling it for Election Day. I figured I would already be anxious and uncomfortable, so why not also go in for my third breast exam in six months?

But I rallied and followed through with the appointment only to tear up at the front desk where the below sign was posted and then proceeded to the back where I both took off my shoes (entirely unnecessary) and forgot my left from right.

So suffice to say, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about today’s election, both as a standalone and in relation to the one I ran in 7 years ago, which I did in response to much of the same hateful rhetoric that has since persisted. Thoughts and feelings I will write about at length for me, and for my son when he’s older, and perhaps here, later.

But right now emotions are high and I’m vacillating between hope, dread, and a dash of disassociation, which I imagine is where many people are today.

For the past week, I’ve thrown myself into work and cleaning my house, decluttering the physical in an effort to tamp down the noise in my brain, but also to keep myself moving because I fear where my brain will wander if I am still.

I’ve thrown myself into motherhood, going all in on creating a little extra joy and love, a little extra protection for my tiny unit amidst the swirling chaos and fear of what tomorrow brings, because I am fearful, for both myself and my body, and for you and yours, and for the world my son will grow up in, the messages he will receive, the air he will breathe, and so on.

I am also hopeful, at times to the point that I feel a bit delusional, and yet that hope is constrained, the last years and months and days and hours draining it from me. It’s a strange dichotomy, but these are strange times.

So I will be compassionate with myself.

I will give myself grace for this shorter, disjointed post.

I will be compassionate towards myself for how I manage the anxiety that I know will only increase in the hours and days to come, for the leftover Halloween candy I will devour.

And I will extend that compassion to the people in my life, many of whom I think are feeling similarly.

If that is you, I see you.

Hi.

We’ve got this.