What's in a name, anyway?
On keeping your married name after divorce
One of the many things that comes up during the divorce process is the question of whether or not to keep our married last names, at least for the 79-percent of us in opposite-sex marriages who took our husband’s name in the first place.
This can be an agonizing decision, can bring to the surface fears about whether the kids having a different last name will put distance between us, the constant clarifications needed by teachers and TSA agents and doctors a never-ending reminder of a relationship severed.
For some, dropping the last name is like dropping an anchor weighing them down, the shedding part of a metamorphosis into a newer, freer version of themselves.
For others, especially those who did not choose to see the marriage end, it can feel like a life slipping away, a terrifying untethering.
Then there’s the identity part, the person you grew into throughout your marriage, the you you became and are. And of course identity, or at least the sacrificing of it, is what is at the root of the tradition of taking our husband’s last name in the first place.
The TLDR version is that a long time ago, women were given their husband’s last name because they were property. First, their father’s, then their husband’s. While women are not property by today’s laws, the tradition of deferring to men remains, although as with all patriarchal norms, there is also a long history of women fighting against them.
For example, in 1776, Abigail Adams wrote her husband, John Adams (of Founding Father fame), “Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the Husbands. Remember all Men would be tyrants if they could.”
As historian Catherine Allgor wrote in Women are People, Too:
“What she [Adams] was asking for was an alleviation of coverture, the legal stricture that stated that no wife had a political identity. Instead, they were "covered women," subsumed under their husband's identity. Upon marriage, husband and wife became one, and that one was the husband. As a symbol of this female invisibility, a woman took her husband's last name.”
Things have changed since then of course, but perhaps not nearly as much as we’d like to think. Yes, we have more legal protections and freedoms on the books, but in practice women are still punished for daring to step out from under the umbrella of the patriarchal systems designed to keep us in check, both financially and emotionally. Even our tax codes are designed to benefit marriage, something we will see more of in the next few years.
In recent years, we are also seeing the subservient woman as a novelty, whether to gawk at or covet, as trad wives continue to gain in popularity, their aesthetically pleasing Instagram squares both celebrated and mocked, but both driving clicks and ad revenue just the same, both still elevating their platforms and spreading their message further.
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When I got married in 2011, I was pretty ambivalent about whether I kept my last name, and because I had no strong feelings about it, found it easier to go the traditional route. I was vaguely aware of the history of last-name-as-property part, but it was an abstract concept from hundreds of years ago when women churned butter and used beeswax as makeup, not something that applied to modern day marriage.
In hindsight, I don’t know that I’d make the same choice again, given how far I’ve come in my feminist journey and understanding of how far we have actually not come in certain regards, but I also have no regrets about it. I was a different person then and have since worked hard to become the person I am with this name and because I was never his to begin with, I feel no obligation to return it.
Let me say that again: I worked hard to become the person I am with this name and because I was never his to begin with, I feel no obligation to return it.
There was no discussion about this, no long, drawn out negotiation with my ex-husband, because he never saw me as his either, nor did he see his inherited name as something he alone had the power to give or take away. The entire conversation was a simple question and answer, an easy acceptance.
Him: Do you think you’ll change your last name?
Me: No, I built a professional life with this name.
Him: Okay.
And I did build a professional life with this name. It is with this name that I earned my Master’s degree and ran for office. It’s with this name that I fought for what I believe in, from working to end racist policing systems to standing up against an administration I believed was harmful to my community, and so on. I’m proud of what I’ve done with this name, of what I continue to do, of what is still left to come.
And yes, it is with this name that I became a mother, a total transformation that I underwent with this name, both a shedding of and coming into myself under the same letters strung together.
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There are those who think it is selfish to keep my name. What about my ex-husband’s potential future wife? they ask. Or that because part of why I chose to keep it was to maintain professional credibility, was rooted in my career ambitions, that I should give it back to its rightful owner, my ambition only acceptable so long as he reaps the benefits.
I like to remind them that it is also this credibility, this career, this ambition, that allowed me to get divorced in the first place, that allows me, in many ways, to provide a life for my son that is better than it was when I was married, and that we are all better off as a result.
Because at the end of the day, I was never someone else’s to have, but rather I am myself to give. In keeping my name, I am taking hold of what is mine, and that is myself, the person I am, the reputation I’ve built, the path I’m on. (And let’s be real, after several years as a mouthy progressive woman in the public eye in a contentious political environment, I already “ruined” the good family name.)
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Ultimately, there is no right or wrong choice here and people are going to have opinions about it no matter what you do.
If you keep your married name, some will view it as yet another way to keep this outdated tradition alive. Your former in-laws may make it awkward. Your former spouse may hate it. Some guy you date may be insecure about it (a red flag, in my opinion).
Even if you give it up, you will still have to contend with all of the bullshit that divorced women face, the questions and comments and looks.
The point is, the choice is yours to make.1 You get to decide who you are and who you want to be and what name you use, and that’s both liberating and empowering.
So if you are going through a divorce, or thinking about one, I hope you choose to be you.
Did you/would you keep your married name after divorce? Why or why not?
Related reading:
Coverture: The Word You Probably Don't Know But Should by Catherine Allgor
The Surprising Story Behind The Term "Mrs. by Erin McKelle
Also: When Mrs. Meant Business [VIDEO] by
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Totally agree with your choice