I am not the one who initiated my breakup (my already once divorced ex fiancé changed his mind about wanting marriage and family as too scary a commitment) so I didn’t feel the relief of freedom after but I have learned to be single and resilient. But now into my 40s and still dating men I can say it’s so so brutal out there and I’ve read a lot of theories why. Beyond the current general dating culture but specific to the troubles women have dating men, one is that hetero men wanting a monogamous relationship/marriage and with a secure attachment style can find that and tend to self select out of the dating pool early and don’t return, leaving a disproportionate amount of avoidant single men the older you get. But to add to that (I can’t remember where I read it), is that a lot of women will stay in ok to not-too-bad marriages, so a lot of the divorced men in the dating pool are there because the relationship was SO bad the woman was willing to leave. That’s obv a generalization, not all men, people are individuals etc but phew it hit really hard and has stayed with me
All very interesting! That doesn't surprise me about the dating pool. It all seems pretty grim out there, which could also just be because the decent ones are opting out, whether because they found a relationship or because they've heard about how grim it is.
I’m not divorced, but I’m a 37-year-old widow, and it’s fascinating how my married friends suddenly felt comfortable telling me about the challenges in their relationships — and their lives generally — after my husband’s death. Something about relating to other people as an individual, not part of a couple, seems to make space for that.
Im so sorry for your loss. I think there’s a lot to that - as individuals we face many of the same challenges even if the couple dynamics are different.
Thank you for this. I’ve been reading books and books, many dealing with this subject matter. Read (actually listened on Audible so I can multitask through all my issues) 47 since last September (who’s counting!🤣😂) and I’m even attempting to finish writing one between listening to all those. I’m not even technically “married” but we have an almost 18 year old and here I am still wondering what I am trying to make work. There is a lot to unpack in the making a relationship work arena. It’s like a full time job! Who has the time?! So we do the dance. Keep moving some part of our body just to feel alive. Listen to the music. Write that song from the heart. Listen back to it over and over again. The lyrics are telling me to go, to stay, to go, to stay, to read another post looking for an answer.
I read once that a woman plans her exit for years before she finally does, so I think the dance is very normal! There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, we just have to do what works best for us. (Oh, and I track my books, too! It’s a leftover from my book blogging days.)
I feel like i have just read a chapter out of my own life. Thank you for putting into words something that you can feel energetically but can be difficult to describe.
PREACH! Yes and yes. Ive experienced the same post divorce and also as a lady that thrives on her own. I love an independent autonomous life and have pretty fucking high standards when it comes to whom I share a bed with. I feel like folks are always trying to justify their less than ideal relationship circumstances- making excuses for their lack of sex, pleasure, and connection with their spouses. I get it, we're all human. AND we all should feel more entitled to happiness and being treated well. Also, absolutely on the social media fakey bullshit- the more you post about your relationship, the less I believe you. Social media is just that though- fantasy. I opt out of that whole thing. Its gross and is far from positive mental health wise. In any case, thanks for writing this. Enjoyable.
This is the first time I’ve ever been truly on my own for any extended period of time (with my son, that is, but independent of another adult) and I’m in no rush to give that up. Turns out I actually LIKE myself now that I’ve had time to really get to know me and dig into the why of things.
I used to plan what I would do if he was killed in an accident, without, for crying out loud, even realizing what I actually wanted! Thank goodness he was unfaithful and wanted out. Took me ten years to forgive myself for being stupid. I'm now single, autonomous and happy, and want nothing to do with a marriage ever again!
Just came across this post today, but I had to comment 💯 to your side note— (“I’m actually convinced that the more happy couple photos you see in a feed, the more unhappy the poster is in real life.”) This is from my own observations— people that I know that are considering divorce or even going through extramarital affairs & posting all.the.time with their partner & about their “perfect” marriage/life/family. But. I also read recently a research article about this very habit of posting all.the.time. Researchers initial findings suggest insecurity as a driving factor to the posting. I’ll have to see if I can track down the research article & share- it was an interesting read given my observations through the years of people that post “perfection” & knowing what’s happening behind the scenes.
Oh interesting! It was certainly true in my case that when things were the worst I posted as if it was better than it was (sometimes I cringe at my "omg so supportive!!!" memories that pop up), and is also something I've observed with people I know.
I also recently read something that said that a lot of people are posting to convince themselves that their life is as good as what they're posting, which makes sense. (I actually think I read this in my current read which is I Can't Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation by Anne Helen Peterson but can't promise that I am right on that).
Thank you for sharing that! There's no one-size-fits-all solution or approach but I do wonder how much of our willingness to stay in something that is not that bad comes from what society defines as success within a relationship. I read somewhere that men are not told as often that they deserve to be happy and so they have a different level of tolerance. I'm not sure if that's true or not but anecdotally it seems to make some sense.
I am not the one who initiated my breakup (my already once divorced ex fiancé changed his mind about wanting marriage and family as too scary a commitment) so I didn’t feel the relief of freedom after but I have learned to be single and resilient. But now into my 40s and still dating men I can say it’s so so brutal out there and I’ve read a lot of theories why. Beyond the current general dating culture but specific to the troubles women have dating men, one is that hetero men wanting a monogamous relationship/marriage and with a secure attachment style can find that and tend to self select out of the dating pool early and don’t return, leaving a disproportionate amount of avoidant single men the older you get. But to add to that (I can’t remember where I read it), is that a lot of women will stay in ok to not-too-bad marriages, so a lot of the divorced men in the dating pool are there because the relationship was SO bad the woman was willing to leave. That’s obv a generalization, not all men, people are individuals etc but phew it hit really hard and has stayed with me
All very interesting! That doesn't surprise me about the dating pool. It all seems pretty grim out there, which could also just be because the decent ones are opting out, whether because they found a relationship or because they've heard about how grim it is.
I go see the divorce attorney in the morning. I’m so scared. Nauseated that I have to do this. Worried for my kids.
All very normal feelings, but hard ones. Sending you strength!
Thank you so much. Just got home. It’s happening. There’s a mixture of relief and grief. ❤️
I don't know you, but I'm sending love and support. You deserve to be whole.
Thank you friend. The ball is rolling now. ❤️
I’m not divorced, but I’m a 37-year-old widow, and it’s fascinating how my married friends suddenly felt comfortable telling me about the challenges in their relationships — and their lives generally — after my husband’s death. Something about relating to other people as an individual, not part of a couple, seems to make space for that.
Im so sorry for your loss. I think there’s a lot to that - as individuals we face many of the same challenges even if the couple dynamics are different.
Thank you for this. I’ve been reading books and books, many dealing with this subject matter. Read (actually listened on Audible so I can multitask through all my issues) 47 since last September (who’s counting!🤣😂) and I’m even attempting to finish writing one between listening to all those. I’m not even technically “married” but we have an almost 18 year old and here I am still wondering what I am trying to make work. There is a lot to unpack in the making a relationship work arena. It’s like a full time job! Who has the time?! So we do the dance. Keep moving some part of our body just to feel alive. Listen to the music. Write that song from the heart. Listen back to it over and over again. The lyrics are telling me to go, to stay, to go, to stay, to read another post looking for an answer.
I read once that a woman plans her exit for years before she finally does, so I think the dance is very normal! There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, we just have to do what works best for us. (Oh, and I track my books, too! It’s a leftover from my book blogging days.)
I finally got out of my (verbally and emotionally abusive, sexless) marriage on the seventh attempt.
I feel like i have just read a chapter out of my own life. Thank you for putting into words something that you can feel energetically but can be difficult to describe.
I'm sorry that it resonates so much but am so glad you know you're not alone in it!
PREACH! Yes and yes. Ive experienced the same post divorce and also as a lady that thrives on her own. I love an independent autonomous life and have pretty fucking high standards when it comes to whom I share a bed with. I feel like folks are always trying to justify their less than ideal relationship circumstances- making excuses for their lack of sex, pleasure, and connection with their spouses. I get it, we're all human. AND we all should feel more entitled to happiness and being treated well. Also, absolutely on the social media fakey bullshit- the more you post about your relationship, the less I believe you. Social media is just that though- fantasy. I opt out of that whole thing. Its gross and is far from positive mental health wise. In any case, thanks for writing this. Enjoyable.
This is the first time I’ve ever been truly on my own for any extended period of time (with my son, that is, but independent of another adult) and I’m in no rush to give that up. Turns out I actually LIKE myself now that I’ve had time to really get to know me and dig into the why of things.
Oof this was good
WOW, thank you!
I used to plan what I would do if he was killed in an accident, without, for crying out loud, even realizing what I actually wanted! Thank goodness he was unfaithful and wanted out. Took me ten years to forgive myself for being stupid. I'm now single, autonomous and happy, and want nothing to do with a marriage ever again!
OMG This! My ex husband had a dangerous job for a couple of years and I had the same thoughts.
Omg ouch though 🫣
I really enjoyed this. I really wish people didn’t feel like that have to marry and that people who want to leave could without a bunch of drama.
Wouldn't that be lovely?
Just came across this post today, but I had to comment 💯 to your side note— (“I’m actually convinced that the more happy couple photos you see in a feed, the more unhappy the poster is in real life.”) This is from my own observations— people that I know that are considering divorce or even going through extramarital affairs & posting all.the.time with their partner & about their “perfect” marriage/life/family. But. I also read recently a research article about this very habit of posting all.the.time. Researchers initial findings suggest insecurity as a driving factor to the posting. I’ll have to see if I can track down the research article & share- it was an interesting read given my observations through the years of people that post “perfection” & knowing what’s happening behind the scenes.
Oh interesting! It was certainly true in my case that when things were the worst I posted as if it was better than it was (sometimes I cringe at my "omg so supportive!!!" memories that pop up), and is also something I've observed with people I know.
I also recently read something that said that a lot of people are posting to convince themselves that their life is as good as what they're posting, which makes sense. (I actually think I read this in my current read which is I Can't Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation by Anne Helen Peterson but can't promise that I am right on that).
Thank you for sharing that! There's no one-size-fits-all solution or approach but I do wonder how much of our willingness to stay in something that is not that bad comes from what society defines as success within a relationship. I read somewhere that men are not told as often that they deserve to be happy and so they have a different level of tolerance. I'm not sure if that's true or not but anecdotally it seems to make some sense.