The so-called lovableness of single moms

Social media loves to remind divorced, single moms that they’re *still* lovable. Maybe that’s not all that helpful.

When I first got divorced, I did what any rational adult did - I turned to the Internet. I read articles about co-parenting, shared funny memes with friends about the inevitable highs and lows, and spent a lot of time in therapy. I also followed a lot of single mom influencers on Instagram and, as is the so-called point of Instagram, felt less alone in my journey.

At least for a while. Eventually, the newly-divorced-single-mom-empowerment content transformed overwhelmingly into content about dating. Not all of it, but a vast majority. Maybe it was there all along and I just didn’t see it, or perhaps the people behind the algorithms felt that enough time had passed and it was time to recommend new content. Either way, my feed became inundated (by both those I followed and the recommended options) with reminders that I shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about being a single mom, how someone will still love me, that I’m not too old, that my background isn’t too much baggage….. you get the point.

The thing is, I never questioned these things. It never occurred to me that my life was over or that getting divorced meant I was unlovable. If anything, it felt liberating, as if I was extending an invitation to myself to finally step into who I really am and surround myself with people who loved and accepted me as I was, flaws and all. Maybe this stemmed from my living under the privileged cloak of marriage for so long or because, as an elder millennial, I was told I can do or be anything, but more likely it’s because I wasn’t raised to assume that marriage was a goal in and of itself; the pinnacle of achievement for a woman. For that, I am grateful.

I’m aware that this is an immense privilege - to leave a marriage by choice, to have time to prepare for it because rather than a devastating, single action, the end was a slow disintegration, to be supported by friends and family. I did not fear for my safety and although hard, I didn’t have to wonder whether I would have a roof over my head or be able to put food on the table.

Still, the pervasive messaging that I am somehow unhappy or incomplete without a partner persists. I became more aware of all of this after listening to an episode of What Now? with Trevor Noah. In it, he spoke with Rhaina Cohen about her book, The Other Significant Others. In short, it’s a deep dive into the evolution of marriage and how over time the expectation that your partner be your everything has increased. It’s a lot of pressure to put on one person, but has also led to the devaluing of long-term friendships, those friends who were your everything but somehow don’t count once The One shows up. It was a great discussion and although I’m only halfway through the book, a fascinating read.

But it also served as a reminder of all the times I got disappointed looks when I said I’m not actively dating, or worse, the pity when they assumed that I’m lying because how could I possibly not want a (in my case) man in my life? Far too many people can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that a woman who spent nearly 15 years in a relationship (and for others, much longer) that didn’t work out might just enjoy not centering her life around another “romantic interest” for a while. I’m not saying I’ll never date again, but it’s so far down on my priority list that I have to squint to see it. And it’s not just me. I’ve had countless conversations with women - both divorced and still married but not not thinking about divorce - who have no desire to re-partner up in the foreseeable future.

I did, for a few days, activate a dating profile. In hindsight, that was more about internalizing the expectation that I immediately want to date again than anything else. It was a way to say, yeah, yeah, I have a profile, so don’t “worry” about me. It wasn’t sincere, though. The reality is that as a single mom, spending my very limited free time (six evenings per month, to be exact) going on bad dates and enduring awkward small talk so that I might meet someone who might make me happy someday just doesn’t compete with the joy I get from sitting at home with a bowl of popcorn and a good book or going to dinner with friends. Would I feel differently if I had more free time? Maybe, but it’s also irrelevant.

Which brings me back to the beginning - the sheer amount of accounts that I thought were about empowering single moms but were really about how we need to get over our stuff so we can find a partner again because actually, we’re not damaged goods. I can only assume that this reminder of our so-called lovableness is done with good intentions, but the flip side is that it reinforces the message that we’re actually not good enough without a partner. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that, but it’s also not the only way to be.

I’ve tried to find the communities that more align with where I’m at in life but am not having much luck. If I was starting a business, looking for love, or in constant conflict with my ex, then there are plenty of options. But accounts for single moms who aren’t leaving their 9-5’s, have a decent enough handle on co-parenting, and who aren’t instantly lonely and looking for love? They seem elusive, so if you know of one, let me know.