This happened to me as well. I still have all the wedding paraphernalia, our tax files from those years, his school pictures, old passports (one of him as a baby!), etc. Some things I have slowly given to my son, but it’s funny how he (my ex) didn’t think about any of these things left behind. Actually, it’s bit that funny, more like par for the course I guess…
It does seem to be par for the course but I can't imagine giving so little thought to things like baby pictures and personal documents. Maybe we should start mailing it all back to their moms!
I did the moving out, and yet, the boxes! Some dozen years or more later, finally doing the load-lightening, I found letters he had written to his mother from camp, aged probably nine - and I mailed them to him! Still curating. I, too, am more compassionate with myself now, and it feels like I'm being kind to a much younger, dumber sister.
That was very kind of you! I'd have done the same with passing on the camp letters but also.... isn't that the expectation? It's compassion and frustrating all tied up together.
I heard later, through a mutual friend, that he knew he should have stayed with me (I'm so grateful that didn't happen!) because his next wife, number three, wasn't a kind, honest person, and she took him for a ride. So, you know, she wasn't serving HIS needs and living up to HIS expectations. Shame on her, silly girl, not being the good wife. I don't respect unkindness or dishonest, but damn! I learned, though. Dodged one bullet, not getting in the line of fire again!
When I got divorced, I also kept the house we lived in. We didn’t have kids together but we did have stuff. Some of it has served me well into my current marriage and life but some is just still there. And I’ve moved a lot since that divorce because we’re a military family! This is inspiring me to do some deeper cleaning.
The worst thing about memories-related clutter is that it ties you to a time and place that you have moved on from. I have two rugs that I lovingly bought on international trips, used and even moved across the world with me. They symbolized both beauty, and the fact that I bravely went alone on complicated international trips, leaving my unpleasant ex behind. But today? Well, today he isn’t in my life and those trips were 20 years ago, plus the moths got the rugs 🤣. It is so liberating to feel like I don’t have to hold onto these for life and can respectfully get rid of them!
I also have been the keeper of the stuff since my separation ('17) and finalized divorce ('18). I bought him out of the house at the time of the divorce, and can totally relate to your comment about not having the luxury to pick and choose items from the house. Three years after the divorce (4 from the separation when I was left with the stuff), I moved out of the house to another home in the same town with my partner. That allowed me an opportunity to get my ex to take back some stuff, and what he didn't want, I took the dump. Now (7+ years post separation, 6+ years post finalized divorce), I am relocating out of state, and this process is happening all over again but even more extreme because I'm not taking nearly as much stuff. Our kids are in 11th and 7th grade. It has been a slow process but I am getting closer to not being the keeper of the stuff!
Kudos to you for going through it all. I left the family home but for a solid year, I was sent via teenage children’s vehicles, box after box. The first few I went through until I realized what was happening. He was still making me the family curator. Tons of the items were his. It was very clear he had not even looked through the boxes. Sooooo…I pulled anything my sons may want, built a fire pit and let the rest burn.🔥 So cathartic that I can still picture it years later. My boundary was drawn with fire.
That he proactively sent the boxes to your house is next-level!
I'm sure there are lots more boxes to go through and a lot of it is just *stuff*, but it's now stuff that's on me to do something with if I want it out of my house.
This happened to me as well. I still have all the wedding paraphernalia, our tax files from those years, his school pictures, old passports (one of him as a baby!), etc. Some things I have slowly given to my son, but it’s funny how he (my ex) didn’t think about any of these things left behind. Actually, it’s bit that funny, more like par for the course I guess…
It does seem to be par for the course but I can't imagine giving so little thought to things like baby pictures and personal documents. Maybe we should start mailing it all back to their moms!
I did the moving out, and yet, the boxes! Some dozen years or more later, finally doing the load-lightening, I found letters he had written to his mother from camp, aged probably nine - and I mailed them to him! Still curating. I, too, am more compassionate with myself now, and it feels like I'm being kind to a much younger, dumber sister.
That was very kind of you! I'd have done the same with passing on the camp letters but also.... isn't that the expectation? It's compassion and frustrating all tied up together.
I heard later, through a mutual friend, that he knew he should have stayed with me (I'm so grateful that didn't happen!) because his next wife, number three, wasn't a kind, honest person, and she took him for a ride. So, you know, she wasn't serving HIS needs and living up to HIS expectations. Shame on her, silly girl, not being the good wife. I don't respect unkindness or dishonest, but damn! I learned, though. Dodged one bullet, not getting in the line of fire again!
Sounds you you definitely made the right decision! (By the time we are done, though, there's really no other option left).
When I got divorced, I also kept the house we lived in. We didn’t have kids together but we did have stuff. Some of it has served me well into my current marriage and life but some is just still there. And I’ve moved a lot since that divorce because we’re a military family! This is inspiring me to do some deeper cleaning.
Good luck! It's amazing what is tucked away in hidden boxes.
The worst thing about memories-related clutter is that it ties you to a time and place that you have moved on from. I have two rugs that I lovingly bought on international trips, used and even moved across the world with me. They symbolized both beauty, and the fact that I bravely went alone on complicated international trips, leaving my unpleasant ex behind. But today? Well, today he isn’t in my life and those trips were 20 years ago, plus the moths got the rugs 🤣. It is so liberating to feel like I don’t have to hold onto these for life and can respectfully get rid of them!
Yes! I love how you called it respectfully getting rid of it - it's not so much that it's out of any specific emotion other than just being over it.
I also have been the keeper of the stuff since my separation ('17) and finalized divorce ('18). I bought him out of the house at the time of the divorce, and can totally relate to your comment about not having the luxury to pick and choose items from the house. Three years after the divorce (4 from the separation when I was left with the stuff), I moved out of the house to another home in the same town with my partner. That allowed me an opportunity to get my ex to take back some stuff, and what he didn't want, I took the dump. Now (7+ years post separation, 6+ years post finalized divorce), I am relocating out of state, and this process is happening all over again but even more extreme because I'm not taking nearly as much stuff. Our kids are in 11th and 7th grade. It has been a slow process but I am getting closer to not being the keeper of the stuff!
There's a light at the end of the tunnel! I can't believe (or I suppose I can but don't want to) how often this happens.
Kudos to you for going through it all. I left the family home but for a solid year, I was sent via teenage children’s vehicles, box after box. The first few I went through until I realized what was happening. He was still making me the family curator. Tons of the items were his. It was very clear he had not even looked through the boxes. Sooooo…I pulled anything my sons may want, built a fire pit and let the rest burn.🔥 So cathartic that I can still picture it years later. My boundary was drawn with fire.
That he proactively sent the boxes to your house is next-level!
I'm sure there are lots more boxes to go through and a lot of it is just *stuff*, but it's now stuff that's on me to do something with if I want it out of my house.