Actually, good communication is not enough to save your marriage

On communication, shared values, and the mental load

Photo by Djim Loic on Unsplash

One of the most common pieces of advice for couples is that they key to a successful marriage is good communication. Definitions vary on what this entails, but in general it means talking openly, honestly, and frequently about what you’re thinking and feeling, as well as actively listening to your partner.

And this is great. Good communication is, undoubtedly, an important feature for any “good” relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic. But this idea that good communication is the key to a happy marriage? I’m calling BS.

Because here’s the thing: no amount of talking, sharing, or listening is going to solve any problems if there are not also shared values and goals, if there is not a shared understanding of what a marriage should look like, of how the day-to-day is carried out. And getting on the same page about these things is hard. So hard that there is an entire industry of coaches and systems and books and podcasts and influencers profiting off of telling you how to fix it with varying degrees of success and credibility.

Yes, systems like Fair Play can be really helpful in identifying the mental load, but their success also relies upon the assumption that your partner is interested in truly understanding the mental load and then actively participating in implementing changes in the long-term. It means they have to set down the patriarchal privileges bestowed upon them and actually get to work on dismantling their own ideas of what a “wife” does and what a “husband” does and whose work counts.

And quite frankly, this is really hard for a lot of men who are already married, who don’t want things to change (even if they say they do), who are accustomed to a certain lifestyle propped up by societal norms, and who know how hard it can be for women to get divorced, what with the motherhood penalty, pink tax, stigma, and mental load of it all (even though it’s reported that 70% of marriages are initiated by women, with that number jumping up to 90% for college-educated women).

This is something the author, Eve Rodsky, seems to get but that often gets lost in the glossy social mediafication of it all, which is unfortunate because I think far too many people are left thinking this system will save their marriage, only to be disappointed¹.

“I think people first misunderstood Fair Play, which is why I didn’t release the cards with the book because I didn’t want it to feel like one more scorekeeping exercise. I didn’t want people to think they would magically solve their problems if they just sat down with these cards. We also have to address the Toxic Time Messages that are ubiquitous in our society which treats men’s time like diamonds and women’s time like sand…. Time fairness and toxic time messages were my attempt to dispel the thought that you can solve the problem with just systems.”

- Excerpt from an interview with

Cindy DiTiberio

and Eve Rodsky at

The Mother Lode

A few months back, I asked my Instagram followers to share their experiences with these types of methods and systems and while the sampling was small and very unscientific, not a single person said that it worked well for them in the long-run, although a few mentioned that it signaled the end was near.

This last part was true for me, too. I read the book, bought the cards, divvied them out at the kitchen table, and….. well, we know how that all shook out. And while it wasn’t the cards that tipped me over the edge, the failure of the whole endeavor embedded itself somewhere in my brain and lingered, especially because I had such high hopes.

After all, we had great communication skills related to the big stuff. So great that for many years, others would remark on how great they were. But being honest about your differences isn’t enough if those differences are central to who you are and how you want to move through life. (Although, I suppose if we’re measuring the success of these systems by the clarity they can provide, which in turn can inspire informed and empowered decisions, they are technically a resounding success.)

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A commitment to equitably distributing the mental load is, of course, only one example of shared values and goals. There’s also the decision of whether to have children, and if so when? How many? What if it’s a struggle? What will that do for each person’s job? How will you ensure both feel empowered to prioritize their career, if that’s their choice? And what about money? How much do you save for retirement vs. spend to enjoy life today? Are family vacations important? Is it important to have shared hobbies and friends, a shared social life? How will you navigate if someone changes their mind on any of these things? The list goes on.

And this list? It’s ripe for communication, but many of these conversations may not even be on someone’s radar until they are in that situation, which is why it can take years for a couple to figure out they do not, in fact, have the same shared values and goals on some of the big stuff.

But because they’ve invested so much time already, they oftentimes spend another few years fighting about it (and making promises that are never translated into action) in an effort to get back to the earlier days when these issues weren’t a thing, when they did agree on the big stuff, because the big stuff was different. Sometimes they can get there, but sometimes they can’t, and it’s not so much about right vs. wrong as it is about people being people and having different viewpoints and priorities, which is their prerogative.

Which is to say, open, honest, and frequent communication isn’t enough.

If one person is advocating for active change and the other remains firmly in their “no” via their actions, then it is unlikely there will be any changes in behavior, no matter how much you talk about it or make promises to that effect. And since it’s a lot easier to acquiesce to someone else’s refusal and non-action than to continually contend with the near-impossibility of their active participation, it’s usually the person who wants to see change that gets stuck with the status quo, which of course is the point. As the old adage goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. 

So yes, good communication is a crucial component of any relationship. I’m all for it! But let’s stop touting it as the “key” to success because it is, quite simply, not nearly enough. 

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1. I actually think Fair Play can be really helpful at the beginning of a relationship, or when you first move in together, but if you’re several years into having the same conversation over and over without change, so far, then cards probably aren’t going to be that solution in the long-run.