We need to stop judging other moms
On advocacy, shame, and undermining our collective power
Earlier this year, we made the difficult decision to change childcare facilities. The one we were in was fine until it wasn’t and as my son got older, my concerns for both his physical and emotional safety increased. The facility was owned by private equity, something I didn’t know at the time but that makes sense, in hindsight, but the move was the right one.
Several months after I left, a comment was made to me that one of the moms at the school didn’t understand what the big deal was and she judged me for being so upset, at least until she faced similar challenges. Because I was not friends with this mom, I blew the comment off, but something about it still irks me to this day.
Because here’s the thing.
As moms, we are already operating within political and social systems that are designed to fail us. Whether it’s a lack of paid leave, inaccessible childcare options, or a social system that puts the full mental load on moms, we are expected to not only endure, but to thrive, and to also ensure our children thrive, lest we be labelled failures.
Failures who are also inundated with social media content designed to perpetuate those feelings of inadequacy, the “coaches” who profit off of telling us all of the ways we are wrong, and the therapists who remind us that we’re screwing up our kids or ourselves (not to mention the messiness that is the intersection of wellness and motherhood and trad wives).
So why, oh why, do we still continue to judge other moms for advocating for their kids?
Why do we dismiss their concerns in an attempt to shame them for having them in the first place?
Why, when a mom is struggling to make a hard choice, can’t we trust that she knows what is best?
That she is the expert in what that child needs?1
That whether she gets an epidural or breastfeeds or sleep trains or seeks an IEP or moves schools or <insert any decision>, it’s because that’s what she believes is best for her kid?
Well, turns out the Internet has some things to say about this.
Primarily that this judgement and desire to shame others is rooted in insecurity and that we, as mothers, look to others to ensure that we are on the same page because if we are, then we are doing it right.
The problem with this is that we generally seek validation in places that are familiar to us, which means what we consider the “right” way of doing things is based on our personal values and belief systems, which stem from the cultural norms that were modeled to us. Which means it’s not really just about insecurity, but also about discomfort around things that are different (one might say, things that disrupt the status quo).
This is, of course, problematic.
And at the end of the day, we are allowed to make choices that are hard and they are allowed to be different from what others might do. We are allowed to advocate for our kids, and we should be able to do that without the judgement of moms who are not impacted, moms who will someday also need to make their own difficult decision and who will want to do so free of that same judgement.
So when we do step up and advocate for our kids, we should be supported and uplifted and believed, just as we should be supporting and uplifting and believing each other.
And I’m not saying I’ve always gotten it right. I have certainly passed judgement on others for the choices they made, but the further I get into this motherhood journey, the more I realize that mentality only serves to undermine our collective power.
Division, even in the smallest of ways, allows the systems that currently hold us back to flourish, and so it’s up to us to dismantle them.2
So, the next time you find yourself judging another mom over something benign that doesn’t impact you (because let’s be honest, it will happen), I hope you take a moment to pause and do a gut check on why you are having such a strong reaction and whether it’s rooted in something deeper, and then maybe, just maybe, don’t say it out loud.
Because together, we flip the script.
Let’s discuss:
How have you felt judged as a mom?
Do you find yourself judging others or has your perspective changed over time?
What does a supportive environment look like to you?
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This, of course, assumes the decision does not jeopardize the physical or emotional health and safety of the child, nor does it negatively impact other kids.
Just in case there’s any confusion, the systems I’m talking about are of the patriarchy variety, not the enact-book-bans or use-the-system-to-discriminate variety, and the advocacy I’m referring to does not allow for harming one kid to benefit another.