Holding your sh*t together when you can't get a break

For the moms who don't have anyone to "tap-in"

Photo by Jake Melara on Unsplash

As I write this, it’s morning and school is closed. My son is downstairs playing with my mom, who is visiting from out of state for a few days, and it is because she is here that I am able to sit down and focus on what I am about to say.

As a single mom, I’m never not keeping an ear out for or an eye on my son, but knowing that he is safely in the care of a trusted adult means I can bring it down a level. It’s something that doesn’t happen all that often, at least not outside of work hours when he’s at school, so I’m feeling grateful for this extra pocket of time to decompress, to gather my thoughts.

Because being a solo parent most of the time is a bit chaotic even in the best of times. There’s always dishes to wash, laundry to fold, floors to vacuum, groceries to order, dinners to cook, not to mention teeth to brush, baths to take, books to read, and games to play. And that doesn’t even include working a full-time job or the daily shuffle to and from school, or carrying the full mental load or squeezing in physical activity, something that I only grew to appreciate as it relates to my mental health in the last couple of years, the movement and sunshine offering a near-instant reprieve when things get overwhelming.

Because motherhood is overwhelming, even when you are not feeling overwhelmed.

This is not, of course, specific to single parents. I know from personal experience that you can be on your own even while partnered, although doing so can breed its own special kind of hell that can be worse than going it alone. But whether by choice or circumstance, it is hard and demanding work.

And it is to this group that I’m primarily writing for today: the moms who carry the vast majority of the mental load, who spend large amounts of time with the kids as the only adult present and have unhelpful partners, and who bear the full brunt of the emotional labor of parenting, specifically regulating emotions.

And to these moms, can I just vent for a minute? Because that last part is hard.

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It’s no secret that learning to get our sh*t together is difficult and important, both for kids and adults. It’s why social media is flooded with therapists giving advice on the topic, encouraging us to reparent ourselves and break the cycle, driving home how important it is to learn how to regulate our own emotions so we can successfully help our kids manage theirs. And yes, of course we need to get a handle on our own reactions in the moment in order to model healthy regulation for our kids.

The problem, for me, is that most at the advice follows the same’ish script:

• Recognize and acknowledge your feelings

• Take deep breaths

• Step away for a moment

• Hide in a bathroom/closet/pantry

• Tap in a partner

I want you to read that last one again.

Tap in a partner.

Because so much of the advice relies on the assumption that, at some point, someone will step in and give you a break.

And this is great if you have a partner, but for a mom who is never alone, there is no stepping away because when your kid is upset and flailing about, someone needs to make sure they are safe.

You can’t hide in a bathroom to “take a few deep breaths” because someone is most definitely banging and yelling through the door, making it hard to even count your breaths, never mind use them to calm down.

And you can’t tap in a partner because there is literally no one else there. Not then, in the moment, and not later (which also makes it hard to prioritize self-care, another strategy for proactively managing emotions that I’ll dig into another day).

And so the question then becomes, how do you learn to self-regulate when the strategies to teach self-regulation aren’t designed for you? How do you teach yourself to calm down in the moment when you are always in the moment alone?

Via Liza Summer on Pexels

I don’t know that I have the answers, but I’ve realized there’s something about accepting the fact that most of the advice out there isn’t for me that bolsters my confidence. It’s not that I’ve failed, but that the system isn’t designed to help me succeed.¹ And knowing this allows me to freely explore the options that I do have without feeling like I’m doing it wrong, such as:

• Getting grounded by leaning my back fully against a wall, which I read somewhere will help you regulate your systems and trick your brain into feeling safe because nothing can surprise you from behind (this works far better than I expected).

• Literally sitting down, as in sitting on the ground near him and slowly rocking myself while repeating in my head something along the lines of, “I am safe, he is safe, and this is normal.” I’m actually not sure whether the words themselves matter so much as the mindfulness aspect but I’ll take it either way.

• Going outside because oftentimes, simply getting outside and moving our bodies is enough to disrupt whatever is happening (dance parties work well, too, but I rarely remember that in the moment if the sun is shining).

• Being honest, because whether we acknowledge we are having big feelings or not, our kids pick up on it, so sometimes it’s as simple as sharing that I, too, am having big feelings and am having a hard time. Usually, this opens up a conversation (age-appropriate, of course), about what we have in common and what we could do differently.

• Saying sorry, because no matter how hard we try, we will not always get it “right”, which is why it’s so important to continue that thread of honesty by acknowledging it, apologizing, and doing the work to repair.

All that said, this is not a how-to guide. I am not a psychologist or an expert in emotional regulation.

What I am is a mom who does not have anyone to tap-in, who cannot ride out the current moment safe in the knowledge that I’ll get a break a few hours later, and who has had a hard time finding strategies designed for people in my situation. And so, I’ve learned to adapt, to take the tools that are out there and contort them into a version that works for me. ²

So if you have a similar dynamic, are going it alone most of the time and feeling inadequate because the Internet has yet to help you, just know that you are not alone.

You are not a failure.

Most of the advice out there isn’t for you and that’s not on you. And it’s okay to struggle and modify and take longer to figure it out because if we’re being honest, there is no perfect answer and if there was, an entire segment of the parenting influencer culture would collapse.

All we can do is our best and hope that is enough.

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Did this resonate with you?

Are you the parent who takes on the the brunt of the work in modeling emotional regulation?

And, of course, if you have any strategies that you’ve found helpful, please help us all out and drop them in the comments!

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1. Not to be cynical, but it’s hard not to see the advice that defaults to “tap in a partner” as another way we are socialized to prioritize marriage, but that’s for another day….

2. I realized a few hours after posting this that I should probably mention that I’m on the realizing-it’s-ADHD-not-anxiety journey, so keep that in mind as you read what works for me.