I have a partner but 7 months out of the year he’s coaching HS soccer and doesn’t get home until nearly bedtime for our kids. We go to some of his games but it’s definitely not a weekly thing due to my kids’ own extracurriculars and not liking to be out late so they can get in bed by 8:30. our parents are local and they step in some but I’m mostly on my own for the 4-7:30/8 pm stretch of the day M-F from August-October and Feb-May. And after that much time alone, it’s harder for him to step in at night because we get into our routine which is hard but doable.
We have come to the realization that everyone in our family of 4 is some variant of ND and 4 people is a lot of people to keep emotionally regulated- I discovered my own ADHD during the pandemic when I couldn’t send my kids to school and I was constantly overstimulated and touched out.
The things that do work for me are: look at my kids’ eyes when they’re dysregulated- it jars me out of my triggered anger to see their eyes often look fearful and I realize they need my help to get back to regulated; sit in the dark with my back against their wall in their bunk bed while wrapping a child in a weighted blanket; putting a ice pack on my chest and dimming the lights in the kitchen; going outside in general. If my kids are being triggering in the car and I’m losing my shit, I do pull over if it’s safe to do so. I explain that my nervous system is panicking and I can’t drive when I feel that way. Depending on where we are, sometimes we get out and walk around more, if they’re only mildly dysregulated I can sometimes switch to some score music rather than music with lyrics. Pride and Prejudice soundtrack is one of my favorites that instantly calms me.
Being solo during the twilight hours with everyone having different needs is so tough!
I had to pull over just last week and explain that I was getting overstimulated, a word he recently picked up on but is still fuzzy on the definition of. It ended up with a backseat hug in a parking lot because sometimes that’s all it takes.
It’s also so interesting to see how they learn to vocalize their needs, but that in-between time when their needs shift but they can’t quite point to what they are yet is HARD. It feels like every time I figure it out, I land back at square one, but these strategies have helped through multiple iterations. I can’t wait to try out your ice one - thank you for sharing!
I haven’t tried the ice one- I think that would be helpful- I hate cold water- it stresses me out to drink it, but having that cooling effect would probably work. Hannah does usually let me be alone for a few minutes since she’s five so I don’t have as much trouble with her coming to get me if I told her that my brain is feeling like I need a break. I do my favorite mantra from The Mom Psychologist too, “This is not an emergency.” I repeat that to myself all the time and also, “She’s not giving me a hard time, she’s having a hard time. She needs me to help her.”
Love this. I am married but we’re a military family, so I soloparent frequently.
So much of this resonates with my experience.
I’ve always hated the “tap out” suggestion for several reasons, the first being what you said but also, there are just times I’m parenting alone when my husband is just at work or at the store and I get triggered/struggle and can’t tap out.
It’s speaking to communal parenting, not just being partnered. The idea that there is always someone nearby to lean on.
But that doesn’t currently exist in our family structures.
I am my adult disabled daughter’s primary caregiver. I do have a husband, so yes she is safely cared for by him on a regular basis. The mental load of the thousand details of her care is mine, however. And within our disability community, there are hundreds of mothers who are most definitely parenting alone because dear dad has left the situation; THOSE mothers, disability parents now and forever, have no tap-in options and are exhausted. Disability parenting is the challenges of regular parenting, times a thousand.
Oh this lands for me, single mom of two high needs teens, one on the spectrum. I love your suggestions, I will definitely some of those grounding ideas like leaning against a wall and the slight rocking with a mantra. Thank you. Really glad to have found your Substack.
I hope they work and thank you for the kid words! It’s all trial and error. I worry that what works now won’t work a year from now but fingers crossed they do.
I’m married, but my husband is a police officer so he works every other weekend and some night shifts which means a lot of the daily grind of bedtime routine tends to fall on me. He does cook meals that last multiple days so I don’t have to handle that, but I am the one who tries to keep our daughter regulated after a full day at preschool while also regulating myself (I get very overstimulated at night sometimes and have to go take a minute to calm down in another room). Our daughter generally does well when we stick to our routine, but we are currently trying to help our family move into a house down the street from us and it’s throwing our routine off which tends to upset her. I make sure that I enlist my parents and sister often on the weekends (they live 35-40 minutes away) so that all the childcare doesn’t fall on me and overwhelm me.
When that nighttime routine goes off the rails, it’s all over! I also find bedtime to be the hardest part, especially when I am tired (lately he’s been up until 9:30 and I’m hoping he gets back on schedule ASAP!).
We can’t seem to get her even in bed before at least 9:30 every night which is partially because she falls asleep in the car on my way home from work/her school at 6:45 a lot. It’s so hard because my patience is completely tapped out by 9:30.
I feel this so hard! Mine still naps at school but really doesn’t need one, so it pushes out bedtime. I try so hard but regardless of when we start our routine, it’s a 9:30 sleep time.
I’m married but feel this on many levels as the parent who handles the mental load of everything and most of the parenting duties, with two challenging children. I am constantly losing my sh*t with my kids waaaay more than I’d like and feel like most of my time is spent trying to regulate their emotions while keeping myself calm. It’s exhausting. I do have my various tactics, similar to the ones you mentioned, but honestly, they fail a lot of the time and I end up yelling or crying or some combination of both. My biggest challenge is trying to give myself grace and not beat myself up for those moments, and not comparing to others who seem to be way better at the zen parenting thing than I am. I see you! ❤️
I am definitely not zen so I see you, too! I have learned that there is tremendous value in the repair and it's important for our kids to see that we don't always have it together - it shows that we are human and that we don't also expect them to always have it together. But it sucks when we don't live up to our own expectations for ourselves.
I also know that the more tired I am, the harder it is, so I try really hard to prioritize sleep but honestly, sometimes late at night is the only time I get to myself so it's a constant struggle to balance it all.
I'm in the same boat too. I left my husband several weeks ago largely because he was a never-there partner. One thing I find useful for my daughter when she's throwing a tantrum is just sit through it. Rather than trying to stop it, I just sit by her and not say anything. I give her a hug when she needs one. But almost always, just when I think this is gonna last forever, she stops her tantrum and just... Moves on 😅 oftentimes leaving me completely bewildered. 😂
I feel this so much! I have an active husband, but our son requires a lot of extra support, and it’s honestly too much even for two parents. There are so many times when I need a break and it’s just not an option. And I’ve found asking for help and not getting it is one of the most defeating feelings in the world.
I’m going to try the wall technique today! Thank you for sharing what’s working for you. You are doing SO much!
It is so demoralizing when you ask for help and are not able to get it. And I know it's not necessarily because that person doesn't want to help and they are also probably really overwhelmed, but I've been there and it really drives home the idea that we don't always have a village at the ready.
Ah, where was this ten years ago when I was so burned out I could barely function for a few months 🙂. I’ve been solo parenting two wonderful but sometimes difficult children for the better part of 18 + years. Between substance abuse, untreated mental illness, a year deployment to Iraq, a messy divorce and a very quick downward spiral, and then finally a tragic but not entirely surprising motorcycle accident that ended his life, my former husband wasn’t available to “tap in” very often. My children are 18 and 21 and are absolutely amazing, kind, creative, resilient and successful humans. And I recognize some of that is my doing as a mom but there still those moments when I reflect back on the times where I did not hold it together very well for them and certainly not for myself. And there’s still a little bit of shame that bubbles up when I think about them missing out on the typical suburban American family experiences and stable family life. I know I was doing the best I could and they tell me I’m a great mom and better than that of some of their friends, but that doesn’t always put some memories in proper perspective. I do feel like we’ve come out the other side now and that the struggle of those earlier years have helped shape them into the compassionate and self-reliant people they are. And now I can catch my breath and those days of trying to lock myself in the bathroom for just 30 seconds to let myself cry in frustration while my son banged in the door are long gone. At the time, I felt like I was the only mom struggling in the same way so thanks for sharing!
As a SMBC, I feel this deeply and have really been upset with myself for not being the calm gentle parent I want to be. I love the ideas of sitting on the floor or putting your back against the wall. Thank you!
I think these ones work for me because I’m also tired and it doesn’t require a lot of action. I didn’t realize that commonality until just now when I read your comment putting them together!
I have a partner but 7 months out of the year he’s coaching HS soccer and doesn’t get home until nearly bedtime for our kids. We go to some of his games but it’s definitely not a weekly thing due to my kids’ own extracurriculars and not liking to be out late so they can get in bed by 8:30. our parents are local and they step in some but I’m mostly on my own for the 4-7:30/8 pm stretch of the day M-F from August-October and Feb-May. And after that much time alone, it’s harder for him to step in at night because we get into our routine which is hard but doable.
We have come to the realization that everyone in our family of 4 is some variant of ND and 4 people is a lot of people to keep emotionally regulated- I discovered my own ADHD during the pandemic when I couldn’t send my kids to school and I was constantly overstimulated and touched out.
The things that do work for me are: look at my kids’ eyes when they’re dysregulated- it jars me out of my triggered anger to see their eyes often look fearful and I realize they need my help to get back to regulated; sit in the dark with my back against their wall in their bunk bed while wrapping a child in a weighted blanket; putting a ice pack on my chest and dimming the lights in the kitchen; going outside in general. If my kids are being triggering in the car and I’m losing my shit, I do pull over if it’s safe to do so. I explain that my nervous system is panicking and I can’t drive when I feel that way. Depending on where we are, sometimes we get out and walk around more, if they’re only mildly dysregulated I can sometimes switch to some score music rather than music with lyrics. Pride and Prejudice soundtrack is one of my favorites that instantly calms me.
Being solo during the twilight hours with everyone having different needs is so tough!
I had to pull over just last week and explain that I was getting overstimulated, a word he recently picked up on but is still fuzzy on the definition of. It ended up with a backseat hug in a parking lot because sometimes that’s all it takes.
It’s also so interesting to see how they learn to vocalize their needs, but that in-between time when their needs shift but they can’t quite point to what they are yet is HARD. It feels like every time I figure it out, I land back at square one, but these strategies have helped through multiple iterations. I can’t wait to try out your ice one - thank you for sharing!
I haven’t tried the ice one- I think that would be helpful- I hate cold water- it stresses me out to drink it, but having that cooling effect would probably work. Hannah does usually let me be alone for a few minutes since she’s five so I don’t have as much trouble with her coming to get me if I told her that my brain is feeling like I need a break. I do my favorite mantra from The Mom Psychologist too, “This is not an emergency.” I repeat that to myself all the time and also, “She’s not giving me a hard time, she’s having a hard time. She needs me to help her.”
Love this. I am married but we’re a military family, so I soloparent frequently.
So much of this resonates with my experience.
I’ve always hated the “tap out” suggestion for several reasons, the first being what you said but also, there are just times I’m parenting alone when my husband is just at work or at the store and I get triggered/struggle and can’t tap out.
It’s speaking to communal parenting, not just being partnered. The idea that there is always someone nearby to lean on.
But that doesn’t currently exist in our family structures.
Which is a bit of a tragedy really.
Yes! We aren't meant to parent alone and yet that's what we do, so it's no wonder there's no quick fix.
I am my adult disabled daughter’s primary caregiver. I do have a husband, so yes she is safely cared for by him on a regular basis. The mental load of the thousand details of her care is mine, however. And within our disability community, there are hundreds of mothers who are most definitely parenting alone because dear dad has left the situation; THOSE mothers, disability parents now and forever, have no tap-in options and are exhausted. Disability parenting is the challenges of regular parenting, times a thousand.
I can only imagine how challenging it is to have so many extra layers of caregiving. Thank you for bringing in that perspective!
Oh this lands for me, single mom of two high needs teens, one on the spectrum. I love your suggestions, I will definitely some of those grounding ideas like leaning against a wall and the slight rocking with a mantra. Thank you. Really glad to have found your Substack.
I hope they work and thank you for the kid words! It’s all trial and error. I worry that what works now won’t work a year from now but fingers crossed they do.
I’m married, but my husband is a police officer so he works every other weekend and some night shifts which means a lot of the daily grind of bedtime routine tends to fall on me. He does cook meals that last multiple days so I don’t have to handle that, but I am the one who tries to keep our daughter regulated after a full day at preschool while also regulating myself (I get very overstimulated at night sometimes and have to go take a minute to calm down in another room). Our daughter generally does well when we stick to our routine, but we are currently trying to help our family move into a house down the street from us and it’s throwing our routine off which tends to upset her. I make sure that I enlist my parents and sister often on the weekends (they live 35-40 minutes away) so that all the childcare doesn’t fall on me and overwhelm me.
When that nighttime routine goes off the rails, it’s all over! I also find bedtime to be the hardest part, especially when I am tired (lately he’s been up until 9:30 and I’m hoping he gets back on schedule ASAP!).
We can’t seem to get her even in bed before at least 9:30 every night which is partially because she falls asleep in the car on my way home from work/her school at 6:45 a lot. It’s so hard because my patience is completely tapped out by 9:30.
I feel this so hard! Mine still naps at school but really doesn’t need one, so it pushes out bedtime. I try so hard but regardless of when we start our routine, it’s a 9:30 sleep time.
I’m married but feel this on many levels as the parent who handles the mental load of everything and most of the parenting duties, with two challenging children. I am constantly losing my sh*t with my kids waaaay more than I’d like and feel like most of my time is spent trying to regulate their emotions while keeping myself calm. It’s exhausting. I do have my various tactics, similar to the ones you mentioned, but honestly, they fail a lot of the time and I end up yelling or crying or some combination of both. My biggest challenge is trying to give myself grace and not beat myself up for those moments, and not comparing to others who seem to be way better at the zen parenting thing than I am. I see you! ❤️
I am definitely not zen so I see you, too! I have learned that there is tremendous value in the repair and it's important for our kids to see that we don't always have it together - it shows that we are human and that we don't also expect them to always have it together. But it sucks when we don't live up to our own expectations for ourselves.
I also know that the more tired I am, the harder it is, so I try really hard to prioritize sleep but honestly, sometimes late at night is the only time I get to myself so it's a constant struggle to balance it all.
I'm in the same boat too. I left my husband several weeks ago largely because he was a never-there partner. One thing I find useful for my daughter when she's throwing a tantrum is just sit through it. Rather than trying to stop it, I just sit by her and not say anything. I give her a hug when she needs one. But almost always, just when I think this is gonna last forever, she stops her tantrum and just... Moves on 😅 oftentimes leaving me completely bewildered. 😂
Sometimes all they need is for us to be with them and to know that we’re there when they need us.
I feel this so much! I have an active husband, but our son requires a lot of extra support, and it’s honestly too much even for two parents. There are so many times when I need a break and it’s just not an option. And I’ve found asking for help and not getting it is one of the most defeating feelings in the world.
I’m going to try the wall technique today! Thank you for sharing what’s working for you. You are doing SO much!
Thank you and you are, too!
It is so demoralizing when you ask for help and are not able to get it. And I know it's not necessarily because that person doesn't want to help and they are also probably really overwhelmed, but I've been there and it really drives home the idea that we don't always have a village at the ready.
Ah, where was this ten years ago when I was so burned out I could barely function for a few months 🙂. I’ve been solo parenting two wonderful but sometimes difficult children for the better part of 18 + years. Between substance abuse, untreated mental illness, a year deployment to Iraq, a messy divorce and a very quick downward spiral, and then finally a tragic but not entirely surprising motorcycle accident that ended his life, my former husband wasn’t available to “tap in” very often. My children are 18 and 21 and are absolutely amazing, kind, creative, resilient and successful humans. And I recognize some of that is my doing as a mom but there still those moments when I reflect back on the times where I did not hold it together very well for them and certainly not for myself. And there’s still a little bit of shame that bubbles up when I think about them missing out on the typical suburban American family experiences and stable family life. I know I was doing the best I could and they tell me I’m a great mom and better than that of some of their friends, but that doesn’t always put some memories in proper perspective. I do feel like we’ve come out the other side now and that the struggle of those earlier years have helped shape them into the compassionate and self-reliant people they are. And now I can catch my breath and those days of trying to lock myself in the bathroom for just 30 seconds to let myself cry in frustration while my son banged in the door are long gone. At the time, I felt like I was the only mom struggling in the same way so thanks for sharing!
That is a lot to cope with and it sounds like your kids turned out great and you have a lot to be proud of.
I know what you mean about those moments of shame bubbling up, though, because I feel the same sometimes and it sucks!
As a SMBC, I feel this deeply and have really been upset with myself for not being the calm gentle parent I want to be. I love the ideas of sitting on the floor or putting your back against the wall. Thank you!
I think these ones work for me because I’m also tired and it doesn’t require a lot of action. I didn’t realize that commonality until just now when I read your comment putting them together!
I hope one of them works for you! This is all based on trial and error so I’d love to hear whether they are helpful for others.