There's no such thing as 50/50 parenting for a divorced mom

Stop saying this to divorced moms (pt. 1)

What people seem to think divorced moms do when they don’t have their kids. Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash

Welcome! This is Part 1 of a series where I will dig into which comments irk me the most as a divorced mom…. and why. I imagine each of these will inspire me to write even more, given I’m only skimming the surface here, but it’s a start.

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“It must be nice to have so much free time to yourself, now!”

It came off almost accusatory, as though being divorced meant I was surely spending half of my time living it up, free of any and all obligations and responsibilities. My evenings filled with dinners out and weekends away, kid-free and, therefore, not mentally tethered to motherhood in the same way, anymore. 

And by she, I don’t mean anyone in particular. This comment is far too common to set at the feet of one person, so common that I’ve stopped brushing it off and started responding with some variation of, “what makes you think I have free time?” or “about that….”, my own passive aggressive tone leaving the door open to interpretation: sincerity or snark. Dealer’s choice.

Because the response is almost always rooted in the assumption that being divorced means having 50/50 custody, and that I therefore have plenty of evenings free, time to both take care of loose ends and emotionally separate myself from being “on” all the time, time to slide into a version of myself that is just for me.

But you know what they say about assume…. 

First, let’s address that fact that, for various reasons, not everyone has 50/50 custody. For example, I follow an 80/20 schedule at best, which is what works for us, but also means my son is with me a vast majority of the time, something that provides a lot of benefits in terms of consistency at his age but also means I carry the mental load of the day-to-day almost exclusively.

Plus, because I still share certain information re: school and medical with his father, I get to carry that mental load, too: both the doing and the sharing, administrative tasks that also fall on me (which reminds me a lot of a post I wrote about how even when you’re divorced, you still carry the mental load of being a wife).

So the idea that I have free time in the way that people assume I do is quite laughable, because it is in those 4 days per month (including sleep) that I do all of the things I do not have time to do while working full-time and actively parenting day-in, day-out.

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Holding your sh*t together when you can't get a break

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It is when I “deep” clean and run errands that are easier solo and, quite frankly, crash because it’s the only time my body has a chance to rest and recover. Every Thursday heading into my solo weekend, my body begins its slow descent into power-down mode, with or without my consent, as if it’s aware of the changing conditions before I am.

So while I occasionally go out with friends, I mostly spend one day in hibernation and the other getting stuff done, choosing instead to double up my socialization with friends who will come eat chicken nuggets with us during the week, grab lunch, or will keep it lowkey at home on a Saturday night.

And to be clear, this is all still immensely preferable to being married, but it is why it irritates me when people assume that there’s an even split, the comment too often carrying an air of judgment with it, judgment about a life I’m not even living, how I’m spending free time I don’t have (and that I wouldn’t feel any shame about if I did), and so I’m left doubly annoyed by both the assumption and for not even having the option to be judged for the life I’m actually living, once again being held up to standards that don’t apply to me.

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But also, and here’s the kicker - it’s still not evenly split for those who do have 50/50 physical custody. Just like in most marriages, someone is pulling extra duty, is coordinating doctors’ appointments and school schedules, is keeping track of the social calendar, the gifts, etc., and that someone is probably mom. 

They are the ones working with the schools on IEP’s and leaving work for early pick-up, the ones who are doing the mental gymnastics of coordinating schedules and waking up at 2 am to sign up for summer camp. They are the ones doing the research on how to emotionally support their child through the transitions while also doing the work on themselves.

Photo by Lidya Nada on Unsplash

Which is to say, almost every mom I know with 50/50 physical custody is still carrying more than 50% of the labor, even when all you may see is the time they spend finding a little joy for themselves, joy they were probably unable to access while married and now have time for, time that I may not have in abundance but joy that I am able to capture, nonetheless.

Because for all of the challenges that come with being on your own, the finances and limited time and multitasking, divorce can also unlock parts of yourself that you had long ago suppressed in service of making others comfortable, and not everyone is comfortable with that freedom being so freely displayed. 

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Which brings us back to the accusatory tone of the comment that kicked off today’s thoughts, as well as an interesting realization I had while writing this. 

When I think back to that comment I referred to in my first sentence, “It must be nice to have so much free time to yourself, now!”, I realize that men don’t tend to say it. Their comments are usually immediately along the lines of congrats, although I’m sure there is sometimes an unspoken resentment because, you know, patriarchal norms. 

Women, on the other hand? That one surprised me, as they tend to be more concerned about whether I was "sure" and “what did I try?” before moving into congratulatory mode. 

I have a working theory as to why this is, but I’m going to save it for a future post. In the meantime, I’m going to do a little research by asking some of the people in my life to complete an informal and anonymous survey about said working theory, particularly as it relates to how they responded to my divorce, to see whether it holds up.

(Now would be a good time to subscribe if you’re interested in reading that!). 

But I digress, which I suppose is appropriate given how many thoughts I have on this exact subject, so capturing them in one essay is nearly impossible.

Never one to leave you on a dark note if I can help it, though, I’ll offer you this:

Getting divorced is hard and still not a precursor to reaching 50/50, but chances are that didn’t exist in the marriage, anyway, so while you may still be picking up most of the mental load, you get to do a lot of it on your own terms and timeline, and this is true whether you have 50/50 or 80/20.

And that, my friend, is priceless.

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Not all divorces are sad, and other things you're not supposed to say out loud

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