What I usually hear and observe after divorce is losing the expectation of the husband carrying a more equal load is helpful- there’s a lot of mental energy tied up in trying to get partners to make more effort, soft starts, pursuing counseling. I think many, many more women would be divorced if we weren’t socialized to feel like it was a last resort. Women don’t have enough leisure time and it is exhausting!
Yes! It is still so much easier than being married, but it doesn't go away - it just shifts. It takes less of an emotional toll because it's not tied to "making it work", which is quite freeing, but it is still disproportionate.
Ahhh so much to say here but I’ll start with a hell yeah. I began my divorce with 50/50 and like you say, it wasn’t ever even. But I did have more time than I do now to have the joy and freedom I lacked so direly in my marriage and I ask, WHY THE HELL NOT? Why can’t joy and freedom in small stolen amounts or bigger cushier versions be a bad thing for divorced women? I suppose the why depends on who is saying the “must be nice.” Jealousy, judgement, maybe both? Anyway I’m a 100% mom who carries all the jobs, tasks, burdens and reckons with snarky emails and texts from my ex and two kids who are heartbroken because their dad is a deadbeat. Not trying to win any pity party contests though, bc as you say, I’d choose this life ANY DAY. Carry on fellow female warriors 💪🏼
WHY NOT?! Despite my morose-sounding post, I live a much more joyful life now, even if where and how I find it isn't where people think I do (ahem, weekday dinners out). I have some theories on why people make the comments they do (somewhat along the lines of what you pointed out) and am interested to dive more into that one.
Oh, and pity is another one I want to dig into. I may circle back to you on that one! Because you're right - being hard doesn't mean we wouldn't choose it!
I currently have Friday-Sunday on my own. Which, has its benefits. My social life is rich and fulfilling. There is more joy in my life at this time than there ever has been for a variety of reasons.
However, there is a resentment just under the surface that I now recognize. For the time I get on the weekends, I have full responsibility for carrying the mental load on the life stuff we are all familiar with. Fun time out on the town or unstructured time with my child does not exist currently. I am grateful I can do this logistical life management on my own terms, and I am able to completely let go of the expectation that my partner in life will be more helpful. It is a very complicated season.
Such a complicated season! It's tough to carry all of the day-to-day work and then give up the unstructured time that the weekends bring.
For as little time as I get to myself, I do love that I still have some weekends to hike or plan weekend trips.
As with all things in motherhood, partnered or not, there are tradeoffs and we all have to choose the ones that work best for us in the moment (and for now, I'm a woman who lunches).
It sounds like, overall, you're in a much more joyful place, though, which is wonderful!
Thank you! I worried it would come off too negative (it's not, but it's not easy), so I'm glad that it hit home for you (and by glad, I mean that you're not alone in it, not that it's ideal!).
This clarified so many thoughts I've been having since the process of my divorce began - thank you so much for putting this to words. This feels incredibly validating.
Love this post! So much truth here. My ex and I have 50/50 and I carry way more mental load. I would say we have a great co-parenting situation and part of the reason is that now I think of the mental load I carry as something I do directly for my kids to help them have a better life, as opposed to slack I’m picking up for my (ex) partner. So it reduces the resentment that was poisoning our relationship before.
It drives me nuts when people think that I’m just out partying during my “down” time, when in reality I see my kids every day and have to work even harder to keep up since they aren’t at my house. I do get more time alone than my married friends, but some of it is definitely spent in an exhausted coma 😂
The exhaustion is so real! And letting go of the resentment is key. Even though I carry most of the mental load, I've also learned to let go of any resentment because I see how that great that consistency is for my son. I also see some of my friends with 50/50 struggle with the transitions, especially with younger kids who don't understand it, and that seems so much harder!
This is all so true! And to add to it...the 65% of the time that I have my daughter, I am doing EVERYTHING. I don't have a partner here to get her to bed while I clean up after dinner. Or to bathe her while I make her lunch. It's a lot.
And I 100% prefer this to being married to my ex. I'm not feeling constantly disappointed in his failing to do his part at home. And I don't have him criticizing the way I'm doing everything. So yeah. Way better. But still very hard.
Hard but better seems to be the norm here. Although I did just invest in a robot vacuum/mop combo and the amount of space that has freed up in my brain because I don't feel guilty for not getting to the floors after dinner, bed, bath, laundry, shower (if I'm lucky), dishes, and school prep has been pretty sweet! Plus, it won't tell me that I did it wrong.
What I usually hear and observe after divorce is losing the expectation of the husband carrying a more equal load is helpful- there’s a lot of mental energy tied up in trying to get partners to make more effort, soft starts, pursuing counseling. I think many, many more women would be divorced if we weren’t socialized to feel like it was a last resort. Women don’t have enough leisure time and it is exhausting!
Yes! It is still so much easier than being married, but it doesn't go away - it just shifts. It takes less of an emotional toll because it's not tied to "making it work", which is quite freeing, but it is still disproportionate.
Ahhh so much to say here but I’ll start with a hell yeah. I began my divorce with 50/50 and like you say, it wasn’t ever even. But I did have more time than I do now to have the joy and freedom I lacked so direly in my marriage and I ask, WHY THE HELL NOT? Why can’t joy and freedom in small stolen amounts or bigger cushier versions be a bad thing for divorced women? I suppose the why depends on who is saying the “must be nice.” Jealousy, judgement, maybe both? Anyway I’m a 100% mom who carries all the jobs, tasks, burdens and reckons with snarky emails and texts from my ex and two kids who are heartbroken because their dad is a deadbeat. Not trying to win any pity party contests though, bc as you say, I’d choose this life ANY DAY. Carry on fellow female warriors 💪🏼
WHY NOT?! Despite my morose-sounding post, I live a much more joyful life now, even if where and how I find it isn't where people think I do (ahem, weekday dinners out). I have some theories on why people make the comments they do (somewhat along the lines of what you pointed out) and am interested to dive more into that one.
Oh, and pity is another one I want to dig into. I may circle back to you on that one! Because you're right - being hard doesn't mean we wouldn't choose it!
I currently have Friday-Sunday on my own. Which, has its benefits. My social life is rich and fulfilling. There is more joy in my life at this time than there ever has been for a variety of reasons.
However, there is a resentment just under the surface that I now recognize. For the time I get on the weekends, I have full responsibility for carrying the mental load on the life stuff we are all familiar with. Fun time out on the town or unstructured time with my child does not exist currently. I am grateful I can do this logistical life management on my own terms, and I am able to completely let go of the expectation that my partner in life will be more helpful. It is a very complicated season.
Such a complicated season! It's tough to carry all of the day-to-day work and then give up the unstructured time that the weekends bring.
For as little time as I get to myself, I do love that I still have some weekends to hike or plan weekend trips.
As with all things in motherhood, partnered or not, there are tradeoffs and we all have to choose the ones that work best for us in the moment (and for now, I'm a woman who lunches).
It sounds like, overall, you're in a much more joyful place, though, which is wonderful!
Your piece was very validating and put words to thoughts I have had for months but could not articulate well. Thank you!
Thank you! I worried it would come off too negative (it's not, but it's not easy), so I'm glad that it hit home for you (and by glad, I mean that you're not alone in it, not that it's ideal!).
This clarified so many thoughts I've been having since the process of my divorce began - thank you so much for putting this to words. This feels incredibly validating.
Consider yourself validated on an ongoing basis because this stuff is hard!
Love this post! So much truth here. My ex and I have 50/50 and I carry way more mental load. I would say we have a great co-parenting situation and part of the reason is that now I think of the mental load I carry as something I do directly for my kids to help them have a better life, as opposed to slack I’m picking up for my (ex) partner. So it reduces the resentment that was poisoning our relationship before.
It drives me nuts when people think that I’m just out partying during my “down” time, when in reality I see my kids every day and have to work even harder to keep up since they aren’t at my house. I do get more time alone than my married friends, but some of it is definitely spent in an exhausted coma 😂
The exhaustion is so real! And letting go of the resentment is key. Even though I carry most of the mental load, I've also learned to let go of any resentment because I see how that great that consistency is for my son. I also see some of my friends with 50/50 struggle with the transitions, especially with younger kids who don't understand it, and that seems so much harder!
Totally agree!
This is all so true! And to add to it...the 65% of the time that I have my daughter, I am doing EVERYTHING. I don't have a partner here to get her to bed while I clean up after dinner. Or to bathe her while I make her lunch. It's a lot.
And I 100% prefer this to being married to my ex. I'm not feeling constantly disappointed in his failing to do his part at home. And I don't have him criticizing the way I'm doing everything. So yeah. Way better. But still very hard.
Hard but better seems to be the norm here. Although I did just invest in a robot vacuum/mop combo and the amount of space that has freed up in my brain because I don't feel guilty for not getting to the floors after dinner, bed, bath, laundry, shower (if I'm lucky), dishes, and school prep has been pretty sweet! Plus, it won't tell me that I did it wrong.
Hmm I may need to get one of those! Anything to make it easier.
I lost mine in the divorce and waited two years to replace it but I'm very glad I did!