Good babysitters are hard to find, but the tradeoff may be even harder
Stop saying this to (divorced) moms (pt. 3)
Welcome! Today’s essay is Part 3 of a series where I dig into which comments irk me the most as a divorced mom…. and why. You can find the full series here.
For those of you who are new and made your way here via this post, welcome! My name is Allison and I write at the intersection of motherhood, midlife, and public policy, so sometimes it’s a legislative rundown, sometimes it’s about navigating motherhood/divorce/midlife, and others it’s a combination. Thanks for coming along for the ride!
I signed up for a writing class.
A real one, that I paid for, through a university with a writer I admire.
It’s a commitment, both financially and time-wise, but I know it’ll be worth it. For one month, it will require that I shuffle my schedule, carve out time for myself, find pockets of time where I am not multitasking or interrupted so that I can go all-in on this investment in myself, but also so that I show up the way I want to show up for the other participants.
Given the time constraints that come with motherhood, and single motherhood at that, it will in all likelihood require that I <dun dun dunnnn> hire a babysitter.
Which sounds simple at face value but as any parent will tell you, is anything but.
Just hire a babysitter, says person with a partner and family nearby
If you are a mom who has ever shared with someone that you’d like more time to do x,y, or z, then you have probably been told that you just need to get a babysitter.
It’s a popular response because it’s an easy solution, or at least it’s an easy solution for the person who doesn’t actually need the babysitter. Finding one that fits your needs is actually quite hard, and can be damn near impossible, depending on your situation, which is why I always cringe when someone says this to me.
Plus, it’s almost always coming from someone who, although well-intentioned, has both a husband and family nearby or whose kids are out of the house and has forgotten how challenging it can be. Or, it’s a man who, quite frankly, doesn’t need to think about this most of the time, if at all.
The single moms, however? They get it, and their response generally falls along the lines of, ooh that’s tough. Good luck figuring that out.
And I don’t just mean the single moms without a partner, I mean the single moms who are still married, the ones who can’t even go to brunch or a dinner out with friends because their partner throws a fit or makes them feel guilty so that they can’t enjoy it, anyway. You know who you are. I see you.
Two things are not the same
For those of us who do not have husbands or family nearby, however, finding a good, reliable babysitter can be a Herculean effort, not least of all because it requires time to find one, time that we don’t have because if we did, we probably wouldn’t need a babysitter in the first place, but also money.
According to a 2023 Care.com Babysitter Survey, “the vast majority of parents (84%) say it’s difficult to get any time away from their kids due to the many challenges of finding a sitter, and just under half (40%) of parents say they have missed work obligations because they couldn’t find child care.”
And what are those challenges, exactly? Here are a few (but feel free to add your own in the comments):
That there is a trusted network for finding a sitter, because not everyone is comfortable with hiring a stranger off of the Internet.
That you are comfortable leaving your child with someone else at all, which can be really hard, especially for those who already can’t trust their partners and/or family to properly care for their children.
That you can find a sitter that works for your schedule, particularly if you need someone so that you can work, because now your reliability as an employee is contingent on someone else being just as reliable and, if not, you need an understanding employer, which is a whole separate issue.
And last but very much not least, that you have the disposable income to pay for a sitter, which we should not be assuming about anyone, these days.
And it’s this last one that I want to dig into a little bit more, because it’s not just about having the money, it’s about whether or not paying for a babysitter is worth the tradeoff, particularly for moms on limited incomes, which most of us are.
The tradeoff
Everyone knows that babysitters cost money, and good babysitters cost even more money. And babysitters who stay at the house with your child(ren) when you leave the house? That you trust? And are reliable? Even more so. So for those of us on a limited income, choosing to spend that money to buy time for ourselves has to be really worth it.
The problem with defining really worth it is that we are up against a lifetime of messaging that taking time for ourselves means we are choosing not to give that time to our children, and therefore we are selfish and greedy.
Granted, it’s become more acceptable to outsource chores that have an external-facing value, such as house cleaning, grocery delivery, or taking advantage of the gym’s childcare options, but these are all things that can be “proven” to be worth it to the outside world.
The house is cleaner.
The food is fresher.
Your physical and mental health are in a better place.
Even outsourcing non-work related childcare is acceptable (and encouraged) when it’s in service to your marriage, such as a date night (gotta keep the spark alive, ladies!).1
But outsourcing childcare simply because you want to? When you’re not on the verge of a breakdown? When you’re not doing it in service to others? When it’s not because you have to work or need a date night? Simply because you want to do something on your own that makes you happy?
That can be trickier, because that messaging, that taking time for ourselves is selfish and greedy, is pervasive.
Even when we know it is not true, that taking time for ourselves allows us to be full humans who are therefore better able to show in motherhood (again, with the in service of others), there is, at least for me, always a lingering, “but what about,” in the back of my head.
But what about the laundry?
But what about going to the park?
But what about the money?
But what about saving for that trip next year?
But what about some future crisis that I may need this money for?
But what about the <insert tradeoff>?
And this is just for those who can afford to make the choice at all, which is in and of itself privilege, especially for single mom, with research suggesting that:
“…while a breakup, on average, reduces men’s disposable household income by 5%, on average women’s household income decreases by almost 30%”, especially for those who didn’t have a job prior to getting divorced or those with young children.
Which isn’t surprising. Even divorced women with 50/50 custody end up taking on the majority of parenting, something I wrote about here and here, and that comes at a cost.
But before you say woe is me, divorced moms are also happier, with Vicki Larson writing in When Is Divorce Good for Women?, “Divorced moms tended to see improvements in their career opportunities and their social life, as well as an increase in happiness.”
All true in my experience, but I digress.
Choosing you
Here’s the thing. At the end of the day, every single choice that we make means that we are not making another one. In economics, it’s called an opportunity cost, “the forgone benefit that would have been derived from an option other than the one that was chosen,” and it’s an unavoidable consideration. The same holds true in life.
If we choose one job, we are not choosing another. If we choose to do one activity on Monday evening, then we are not doing that other thing on Monday evening. If we have $50 for the week and spend it on impulse buys that our kids don’t actually need but are super fun, then we are not spending it on a day at the museum.
We make these choices several times a day, but I’d wager we don’t beat ourselves up about it nearly as much as we do when the tradeoff requires us to choose our wants, not our needs, but our wants over spending time with our kids for those few hours.
The thing is, though, choosing to invest in yourself is not about prioritizing your desires over your kids, it’s about adding yourself into the mix as someone worthy of equal consideration. It means recognizing that you are a better parent because you carve out time for yourself, that the tradeoff is, indeed, worth it.
Other parents agree. According to that same Care.com Babysitter Survey referenced earlier, “68% of parents say time away from their children positively impacts the mental load of being a parent”.
In other words, sometimes you really do just need to get a babysitter.
(If you can find one, that is.)
Thank you for reading Delightfully Difficult, a weekly newsletter aimed at shaking up the status quo in motherhood, midlife, and everything in-between.
If you liked this post and find my work valuable, please consider subscribing, upgrading to paid, or sharing so that others can make their way here.
🙄
And let's not forget that babysitters now get $20 - $25 per HOUR here in NJ. Want to go out for a movie? Plan to spend an extra $75 if you intend to also see the previews! INSANE.
I love this! I have considered signing up for a writing course but have yet to find one that resonates.